Tag Archives: Star Wars The Old Republic

Book of Boba Fett, Ep 1 – MINOR Spoilers

I’ll discuss the episode in general but not get into any specific plot points. That should allow any readers to fully enjoy the episode.

Is it just me, or does Fett’s wrist rocket look like Rhodey’s “The Ex Wife” missile from Iron Man 2? LOL

Fans with enough time to stay caught up with Star Wars on Disney+ likely already knows that Boba Fett made his return appearance in The Mandolorian Season 2. Also that at the end of that season, Fett returned to Jabba’s former palace, killed Bibb Fortuna (Jabba’s former Major Domo who took over his operations after Return of the Jedi), then took his place as the head of what used to be Jabba’s criminal empire.

THAT is the background or set up for “The Book of Boba Fett”. The story (thus far) is a combination of Fett trying to assume true control over Jabba’s empire, and flashbacks of what happened to him between “Return of the Jedi” and “Mandolorian”.

The whole news / gossip media is in a tizzy over the “finally” revealed way Boba Fett survived his trip into the Sarlaac’s maw. It’s been a HUGE plot hole, blah blah blah…

Long terms fans know it was revealed decades ago that Fett simply burned and blasted his way out. It was in the Extended Universe books AGES ago. Well, at any rate, one of the first flashbacks we see is Fett waking up in the Sarlaac and then blasting his way out. The closest thing to a revelation in that scene was something I long suspected but never saw officially declared; Stormtrooper armor has an internal cooling system.

Why there was a Stormtrooper in the Sarlaac’s stomach is another question altogether, as there were none at Jabba’s little party in ROTJ.

Boba got his armor stolen by Jawas after escaping (thus confirming what was revealed in Mandolorian), and then spent some time with Tusken Raiders. How that came about I’ll let readers see for themselves.

The non-flashback scenes consist of Boba Fett and his assistant trying to establish their claim to Jabba’s empire. Without giving away any real plot, Boba’s main difficulty thus far is that he insists on thinking like a Mandolorian instead of a Crime Boss. He sees marching into Mos Espa on his own two feet as a show of strength, for example. He’s a Mando and doesn’t need to be pampered like a Hutt carried on a litter by slaves.

Those in the underworld see walking in on foot as not commanding enough fear and respect to have underlings carry you however. Perhaps also as having a weak power base, although that’s never outright said.

Needless to say, that’s already led to a couple of challenges to Boba’s authority. How he deals with them in the long term, we’ll have to wait and see in future episodes.

All in all, if you’re a Star Wars fan, it’s worth a look.

Side Note:

One thing I did appreciate about the episode is that it expanded upon the culture of the Sand People / Tusken Raiders. “A New Hope” really did nothing there, nor did Anakin’s prequel encounter with them. Suffice it to say that there is a tribal culture there; something akin to a Conan-esque barbarian culture. Having seen a very similar portrayal in Star Wars: The Old Republic, I was happy to see that kept as canon for the Star Wars Universe. They even kept the SWTOR idea that Sand People have pets. In the game they were called “Rill” and were basically reptilian “pet dogs”.

In “Book of Boba Fett”, the Rill were replaced with the same critters we saw briefly in Madolorian:

Same role, etc… just a different name and better appearance.

BRIEF Update and SWTOR CR8-O-M4T!!!

Otherwise known as a Czerka Corp Crate-O-Matic in Star Wars, The Old Republic.

I scored one yesterday!

What is it, you ask?!? A curiosity primarily, BUT it’s also the absolute most rare item in the game. It allows you to disguise yourself as a shipping crate, which supposedly will let you not be detected by enemy non-player characters. I have yet to verify that claim. At any rate, it’s potentially handy for stealth based characters at the very least. 🙂

So yes, FINALLY a bit of good luck. If the thing was sellable, I could write my own check for an obscene amount of in-game currency via the game’s trade network. One does not simply SELL a crate-o-matic however. It’s a rare goodie.

The Actual Update:

Beyond that, there’s not much to report. We’re in a holding pattern until we talk to a termite inspector and a lawyer so we can better plot a path forward. Right now, there are so many variables flying our way from out of left field, it’s hard to formulate any sort of a plan.

We did find out today that the roof on the new place is indeed older than disclosed and in worse shape than the initial home inspection said.

We’ll see how much, if any, of that is from termites.

The Vader’s Vault Grand Reveal!

Somewhere as the dust was clearing from all the recent madness, my “May the 4th” special order lightsaber came in. It is a “Battle Wrap Havoc” model with some awesome customization:

The above picture is it sitting next to my Hasbro ‘Black Series’ Mace Windu lightsaber for a bit of comparison.

Note the hilt is slimmer; more in keeping with the real world size (diameter) of a sword grip or hilt. It’s also much lighter and better balanced. I *almost* feel like I could fence against a real rapier with it. The hilt length is just long enough to be comfortably used as a one handed or two handed weapon also.

Other Differences:

Here’s what else this lightsaber can do that my two Black Series sabers can only dream about:

Even more realistic blade “activation” and “retraction” with the Plecter Pixel blade

Better sound effects for swings and impacts, including more sensitivity to being swung and actual flash on impact.

Additional SFX and light effects for deflecting blaster fire or force lightning (activated by a second button)

Light up power switch!

15 included Sound Fonts to allow customizing of all the above sounds

The ability to customize the blade’s color for both it’s main color and the clash / deflect effects:

That’s just a small sample there. The installed options included Blue, Teal, Red, Purple, A red and orange mix, Yellow, Orange, and a sort of Sky Blue that’s my favorite thus far. That doesn’t photograph well, but it looks almost identical to this Star Wars: The Old Republic blade color:

It’s a Blue Core War Hero color crystal for you gamers; in an Arn’s Unshielded Lightsaber model hilt w/ Gemini Pulse tuning.

There’s even one option where the blade cycles through all the above colors, which is kind of cool in a bizarre, not lore friendly sort of way. 😀

The Sound fonts and blade colors can all be changed on the fly. With the power off, press the second button to access the list of options, then cycle through using the power button. More detailed changes can be made via connecting the saber to a PC and using software to set up in-depth customized profiles.

More Comparisons:

Just to give you an idea of how clunky and unwieldy the other manufacturers can be with lightsabers, here’s my custom havoc next to my original lightsaber shell from Ultrasabers:

Now, the length of the “Fallen LE” shell I’ll give Ultrasabers a pass on. The lightsaber, story-wise, originally belonged to a Lesat Jedi, and Lesats are as big as wookies. Ergo, it makes sense it’d be a nearly a claymore hilt for a human. That thing is thicker than an old police D Cell battery maglite though. The coloring makes it beautiful to look at but it’s unwieldy.

Some day I *may* still finish that saber also, IF I can find a third party that makes electronics that will fit and are better quality than Ultrasbers’ stuff.

Lighting or blade brightness wise, a picture is worth a thousand words:

That’s a completely dark room with the Vader’s Vault saber providing 75% of the illumination. The Havoc was set to purple for a fair comparison against the Hasbro Windu blade. It’s so bright it looks white in the pic. Now that’s Illumination!

LOL

Nuts and Bolts:

Just a quick look at the technical stuff actually. The blade is self contained and can be removed (unlike the Black Series stuff). Similar to the Black Series models, the blade has LED strips running it’s length that allow it to simulate the blade extending or retracting. The main difference is the blade has multicolor LEDs and more of them. The blade plugs into the hilt and is held in place with an allen screw.

The bottom of the blade has a contact plate to allow power to the LEDs:

And the hilt has a couple of contact strips in the socket for it’s side of the power connection:

Irony: The blade plug for my Ultrasabers hilt fits perfectly into the blade socket for the Havoc also, making for great display potential:

Sadly, as it was intended for an older, flashlight type saber setup, the blade plug doesn’t light up at all. Still looks fairly good though. 🙂

The Official Release Video:

For those who want a more in-depth look at the base model Havoc saber without my fancy emitter shroud, here’s the official release video for the Havoc, direct from Vader’s Vault YouTube channel:

I’m still discovering a few goodies built into the saber and it’s soundfonts. For instance, there’s a ‘jukebox’ option that will make the lightsaber play the cantina theme from A New Hope. When the battery gets low, the saber says “When my patience ends, bad things happen” (a quote from The Old Republic’s Sith Warrior character).

Now all I have to do is find a dueling league since this thing is 100% combat rugged and ready. 😀 😀 😀

Spent the Day in the Vault!

The VADER’S VAULT that is!

Yes, that’s right, THE Vader’s Vault; home of some of the best custom made lightsabers on the planet.

So, cool background story… We had to run into Georgia today to take care of some other business. I’d also been gawking longingly at more lightsabers online, and found out that Vader’s Vault “store” (shop really) was only 27 miles away from where we had to go. I talked the spouse into a quick ride with the idea of checking out whatever kind of showroom Vader’s Vault had and asking a few questions.

In short, I wanted to try to get a handle on whether or not Vader’s Vault sabers are actually worth the money. Also get a look at a few sabers as well, I’d hoped. 😁

What I got was completely unexpected. Instead of a quick look and a few questions answered, we got… the grand tour!

We talked to somebody up front, and they went and got the boss (owner). He came out, gave us a quick run down of the stuff in the showroom and then asked if we’d like a tour.

The showroom included this case full of sabers and saber cases from their history:

That saber up at the top is one of only EIGHT real world copies of the “Twisted Fang” lightsaber available in the Star Wars: The Old Republic game.

A couple of other highlights from the showroom:

Their case of manufactured helmets.

More sabers, emitters and some toys on the bottom shelf. That’s a “mouse” droid in the lower right corner also.

That, unfortunately is all the pictures I got. The rear area of the shop had rooms for wiring work, CNC machining equipment, 3D printers, etc… I didn’t snap any pictures back there though because the owner was lamenting how any time he puts something online, there’s a cheap Chinese knock-off for sale a day or two later. They were also working on one completely new model and some tweaks to existing models (relocated power switches and a few other minor things). I have a sneaking suspicion that we MIGHT see that new model for a May the 4th sale too.

For any readers who may be wondering, I asked about the limited availability of sabers right now. It’s the usual supply chain issues. However, they expect to have a few models back in stock in the next few weeks. I did see them working on a batch of “Revancrist” sabers (Darth Revan’s lightsaber):

Those are one of the few sabers still currently “in stock” also.

One question led to a highlight of the tour also. I asked if their special made sabers with crystal chambers were duel worthy. The big guy brought out a Starkiller and explained in detail:

The cliff notes version is that the hilt itself is strong enough for it. The bracing rods on the chamber are full on steel. HOWEVER, their crystals are a piece of clear quartz which could break or break loose in heavy sparring. So, he advised against using such a saber for more than light to moderate horseplay.

Why quartz? Disney has “cool” 🙄 colored epoxy chunks that they sell for ONLY $30, you say? Well Vader’s Vault sabers have the ability to change blade colors, and the Starkiller will actually shine the same color as the blade into the quartz to make it look like that color Kyber Crystal. It will always match the blade no matter the color.

More importantly (lol) for a couple of moments, I got to hold a $2600 Vader’s Vault masterworks Starkiller in my hand. 😁 Well, minus it’s outer cover anyway.

We briefly talked about the differences in blades also. Plecter Pixel blades are just as combat worthy as the old LED tubes. Both are polycarbonate, and will eventually break at some point while dueling. The Pixel blade gives a much better and even light quality and is capable of producing effects that an LED “flashlight” type design can’t. All this at a higher price point, of course.

Personally, I’d probably save the Plecter Pixel blade for “show” sabers and use an LED one for dueling. We’re talking $30 vs $130 for a replacement when it finally breaks.

Bottom Line:

Are they worth the price and increased wait time?

I went in a little wary. Half of me was looking to rationalize buying elsewhere. They really are absolutely worth it in my opinion though. Here’s why:

Better Grip, Weight and Balance: The balance on every saber I got to handle was extraordinary. My two black series sabers (Dooku and Mace) and my Ultrasabers “Fallen” saber:

are just plain stout. They’re like wrapping your hands around an old “D Cell” battery Maglite police flashlight. The Count Dooku saber is majorly off balance as well. I got to hold a Vader’s Vault copy of that same saber. The hilt is slimmer, more in line with what a real sword might have, the finish was brighter too. The machining was done so well that it was hard to see where the parts of the hilt actually connected together.

Better Sound Quality: I’ve heard people complain about Ultrasabers and Saberforge being bad in poor quality or muffled sound. My Black Series sabers are fair in this regard. Not great, but fair. Every Vader’s Vault saber I heard sounded like I’d just stepped into one of the movies. Crystal clear quality with sound effects for everything from swings, blade clashes and defected blaster bolts (all of which a plexer pixel blade’s light will respond to also).

Massive Customization: Vader’s Vault has features that Ultrasabers and Saberforge don’t even offer; hilt lighting and illuminated power buttons for starters. Some of their options they don’t advertise on their site. I suspect that has to do with variable costs involved. I saw sabers that were mirror polished, powder coated, weathered, acid etching engraved, inlaid with wood, leather wrapped… you name it.

THIS, I found out today, was done in the owner’s garage when it was just him and his wife. Imagine what they can do now!

Good Company Working Environment and Customer Service: Why is that important? Because even if you don’t care about the workers’ conditions, a happy staff is highly motivated to excel at their job. That means you get a defect free product.

Customer service should be self-explanatory in importance. If you have any doubts about Vader’s Vault though… Keep in mind they COULD have just run me off, or spent a couple minutes answering a few questions and then politely said they had to get back to work. Instead we got treated to an almost hour long tour with Q&A, looks at all their work areas, a demonstration of all a plexer pixel blade can do, peeks at several models in various stages of manufacture or remodel, and even a sneak peek at a pre-production prototype of an upcoming release.

How often do you see that nowadays in ANY sort of business?

Bottom line, you’re going to get a better saber made of higher quality materials and machined to tighter tolerances, better electronics, more bells and whistles, made almost any way you want, and better customer service.

What you’ll get elsewhere is poorly fit together sabers that can’t even hold up to a Disney toy:

A Couple of Canon Star Wars Cannons

Yep, bad puns and Star Wars… Life is good, lol. So I was talking with Jacob over at the Sandcrawler Blog about how Disney is being a bit… random regarding what is currently ‘official canon’.

The video games are a contentious subject with a few fans but there’s multiple examples of things being cherry picked from them. The infamous TIE Defender seen in Star Wars: Rebels was first seen ages ago in the 1994 TIE Fighter: Defender of the Empire flight sim by LucasArts.

For all of those confused here… Don’t panic. This is called a floppy disk. Younglings… *headdesk* LOL

Anyway, here’s the 1994 version, launching from a Star Destroyer:

Anyway, that’s one example.

Knights of the Old Republic 1’s Jedi turned Sith turned Jedi (identity crisis anyone?) Revan has also all but been confirmed as canon in Rise of Skywalker.

Yes, he turns up in SWTOR also. 🙂

Let’s get to the headline though. What I found interesting and had forgotten about is that Star Wars: The Old Republic also had two different beam weapons that likely inspired the planet busting cannons attached to Sith fleet Star Destroyers in Rise of Skywalker

Nerd Rant: She wasn’t a Skywalker, and trying to tie her to that legacy at the end doesn’t make the sequels any better. 😛

OK, now that THAT is out of the way… First, I give you “The Gauntlet” super cannon that the Republic Trooper destroys as part of their class story line:

And secondly, “The Silencer” which the Sith Inquisitor helps complete as part of their class story line.

Both those pictures from my own in-game knowledge database.

As can be seen from the first picture, Dreadnaughts (the SWTOR version of Star Destroyers) had a split nose design, so the weapon was stuck in the nose in both cases instead of underneath.

I haven’t heard it confirmed officially, but it’s a pretty safe bet that those cannons inspired the ones seen in The Rise of Skywalker.

By the way… Grand Admiral Thrawn’s first appearance may have been in Timothy Zahn’s awesome “Heir to the Empire” trilogy, BUT he was also in TIE Fighter: Defender of the Empire long before appearing in Rebels:

The game explains why he wasn’t front and center during the original trilogy: He was off fighting a large group of renegade Imperials on the edge of the galaxy, including the scientists who developed the TIE Defender. Only fitting that he was involved in that as part of Star Wars Rebels also.

The only thing we really haven’t seen out of TIE Fighter yet as part of canon is the infamous Missile Boat:

My friends and I considered the Defender to be a pocket Star Destroyer, given it’s firepower and shields. But if the Defender was a pocket Star Destroyer, then the Missile Boat was pocket Death Star. Shielding equal to a small capital ship. A full power turbo laser in the nose, and the ability to carry and launch more photon torpedoes than a couple of squadrons of X-Wings…. oh and it had a starship equivalent of an afterburner as well for sudden lightning acceleration. I literally wiped out an entire fleet single-handedly with one (NO wingman) in the last mission of the game.

Bad Things, man… BAD things!

The thing is so overpowered, I’d be surprised if it ever becomes official canon.

Getting back on track…

It’s hard to say what’s officially canon out of the games. The storyline from X-Wing and X-Wing Alliance already contradicts canon, so they’ll never be official. Battlefront 1 & 2 are just shoot ’em ups. Starkiller from “The Force Unleashed” is so overpowered that he makes superweapons like the Death Star obsolete, so I doubt those games will ever be canon without some major dialing back.

Still, bits and pieces of Knights of the Old Republic, Star Wars: The Old Republic, and the Jedi Knight series are slowly becoming official. Kyle Katarn is official now I believe, and the jet pack troopers seen in Rise of Skywalker were first in the Dark Forces / Jedi Knight series also.

Looks like Rise of Skywalker borrowed alot from video games, lol.

So yeah… Star Wars canon is evolving. At first, the entire Extended Universe was cut out, but we quickly saw Thrawn added back in to start, and it’s been growing since, with bits of EU and game canon added to the (Marvel – no Dark Horse) comics and movies.

This Party’s Over, Count.

Like heck it is. It’s after midnight, so I can show off my birthday present:

Seems appropriate, since I feel about as old as Dooku anymore, lol. Still, this party is just getting started, despite Mace’s protests. 😀

I got this thing over a month ago also, but had to be good and keep it boxed up until today. Unless you are one, you have NO idea what it’s like asking a redhead to be good that long, lol. It was ordered before it sold out or the price went up though. My Mace Windu one has already gone up $50 in value since I got it. Oh, and YES, I took it out of the box:

Running gag now I know, LOL. As I said last time, a true fan HAS to take it out of the box.

As with the Mace Windu saber behind it, the detailing and construction are fairly nice. With the shape of the hilt requiring the speaker and battery pack to be in the butt end though, the balance is not as nice as the other saber. It’s tail heavy… alot.

The blade isn’t as vibrant a red as I’d like either, BUT it’s better than the Windu’s lavender, trying to be purple blade, lol:

I’m going to have to find a different place to display it. The stand does have tabs in the back to wall mount it, so that’s a possibility.

The iPhone 11’s camera night optics made for a funky darkened room picture also:

NOW, that despite the blade looking perfectly red to the naked eye, LOL. In “Star Wars: The Old Republic” that would be a ‘hot orange or fire orange’ kyber crystal. My Sith Assassin uses one in her double bladed lightsaber:

One of my favorite blade colors also, BUT definitely not authentic Dooku.

Overall, it’s an awesome new toy / display piece. I just wish the balance was better. Dooku’s hilt is designed after a modern competition fencing foil (which has actually evolved even further into a ‘pistol grip’):

While that may look awkward, it actually provides less wrist strain and quicker reaction times than a traditional straight handle. Between that and Christopher Lee’s lightsaber style as Dooku being very crisp and smooth, I had high hopes for this lightsaber. It’s still very nice, it just didn’t quite meet my very high expectations. It’ll still be a wonderful addition to the collection however. 😀

OH yes… For those of you who wondered why Anakin REALLY killed Dooku:

As for the rest of the day… Garth said it best:

SWTOR: The Basics & The Bounty Hunter

I’ve been on a Star Wars kick lately, mostly because of my return to the game “Star Wars: The Old Republic”. So, I’ve decided to go with it for my blogging and do a few posts about the game.

First I’ll have to go over a few basics, then each new post will cover one of the eight character classes (types) and a bit about their story. If you’re not a gamer, this will still give you some Star Wars semi-official history and the stories are pretty awesome as well. I’ll only be speaking of them in general terms as to avoid spoilers for potential new players though.

THE BASICS:

On the surface, SWTOR is like any other MMO (Massive Multiplayer Online) game. The controls use the same layout on nearly every MMO since Everquest 1 was released decades ago. No surprises there; if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Graphics are good, especially given that the game is 9 years old now.

Beyond the technical stuff, the game takes place about 3000 years before Episode 4: A New Hope. Everything in Star Wars time is measured before or after the Battle of Yavin where the Death Star was destroyed. It’s also about 300 years after the “Knights of the Old Republic” video games. The Empire and the Republic exist side by side, with an uneasy truce in place as the game starts.

The game is made by Bioware, so your character has a fair amount of control over the story via the choices they make during the game. You can chose from 8 general character classes (think of them as professions or archetypes), with each class having two advanced specializations. The classes are:

Jedi Knight: The lightsaber combat specialists of the Jedi Order. Their two specializations are Guardian and Sentinel. Guardians use one saber and the strongest armor. Sentinels use two sabers and medium armor.

Jedi Consular: The Jedi more focused on using the force vs lightsaber combat. Their two specializations are Shadow and Sage. Shadows use a double bladed lightsaber staff like Darth Maul, have stealth capabilities and a nice array of short range Force abilities. Sages are almost pure force users with a wide array of long range force powers but minimal armor.

Sith Warrior: Pretty much the Dark Side version of the Jedi Knight. The class’s two specializations are Juggernaut and Marauder. Juggernauts are the same as Guardians and Marauders are the same as Sentinels. Their abilities will have different names and appearances though.

Sith Inquisitor: A Dark Side version of the Jedi Consular. It’s two specializations are Assassin, which mirrors the Jedi Shadow, AND Sorceror, which mimics the Jedi Sage. Again, the abilities have different appearances though. A Sage will telekinetically throw rocks whereas a Sorcerer will use force lightning.

Republic Trooper: Soldiers for the Republic’s special forces (which is why your character has such freedom of movement). The class specializations are Vanguard, which is the heavily armored close combat specialist, and Commando; which wears medium grade armor but carries a blaster gatling cannon.

Smuggler: It wouldn’t be Star Wars without a Han Solo tribute class. 🙂 Smuggler specializations are Gunslinger; which carries two blaster pistols and makes liberal use of them, and Scoundrel; which has stealth capability and several in-close high damage attacks. One is even a “dirty kick” which ironically works on beasts and droids too, lol.

Imperial Agent: Since a standard Imperial Trooper wouldn’t have much freedom of operation, Bioware put operatives from Imperial Intelligence into the game as an option. The two specializations are Sniper, which I don’t think I have to explain, and Operative, which plays much like an evil Smuggler Scoundrel with different animations for attacks.

Bounty Hunter: Yes, the fun folks are represented. Pretty much a given since they factored into Knights of the Old Republic 1 & 2, and Jango Fett brought them into popularity with the prequel trilogy. Bounty Hunter specializations are Power Techs; which specialize in heavy armor and a wide array of close range attacks (mirroring the Vanguard) kind of like Boba or Jango, and the Mercenary. Mercs dual wield blaster pistols like a Gunslinger, but have heavier armor and fewer extra tricks than the Gunslinger. They’re akin to characters like Cadd Bane from The Clone Wars series.

What about Mandalorians??? We’re getting there. 😉

Now in terms of story… Each of the above eight classes has it’s unique but slightly connected storyline. While you will be steered along a general path with the game, you do have a “Light” and “Dark” path to all of them. The choices that you make while playing can determine if certain paths are open to you and if a character may or may not help you later, etc…

Likewise each planet your character visits has it’s own mini-story line along with some miscellaneous side missions that can be taken. There are light and dark options for many of these also, which can also impact your progress in various ways.

That said, let’s get on to our Bounty Hunter’s story!

Yes, each class has an opening crawl

Our Bounty Hunter starts out on the home world of the infamous Hutt Cartel; Hutta. Every ten years, the Mandalorians call “The Great Hunt”, which is a largely secret competition among Bounty Hunters to find the very best among them. Your character is a hunter who was just recruited by a grizzled veteran to spearhead his team for The Great Hunt. To get into the Great Hunt however, our protagonist needs sponsorship by the local crime lord; Nem’ro the Hutt. That’s where your newly acquired support team is supposed to come in.

However, after running down a few bounties to help establish your reputation in Nem’ro’s town, your support team is murdered by a competitor intent on keeping rivals out of the Great Hunt. Your tech expert Mako was away during the attack and survives to become your first crew member (and romantic interest for male characters). The rest of the missions on Hutta consist of taking down bounties for Nem’ro to prove yourself. There’s a twist or two along the way, but I don’t want to ruin the surprises.

Once you gain entry to the Great Hunt, you’re sent to the Mandalorian Enclave on the Imperial home world of Dromund Kaas. When you and Mako arrive, you’re told by your handler “whoops, we overbooked the show”, and that there will be a competition to see who gets the one remaining spot in the Great Hunt. The competition is “simple”; take down three bounties on Dromund Kaas without ticking off the Sith and their Imperial lackeys. Those who get all three are allowed to enter the melee for the final spot.

Half the hunters present turn tail and leave. As one says on the way out “It’s not the jungles that are dangerous on Dromund Kaas, it’s the people”. Suffice it to say the three bounties you’re assigned are entertaining and definitely intended to try to run you afoul of a whole planet full of Sith and Imperials.

After you get your bounties and win the melee (wouldn’t be much of a story otherwise, lol), you’re off to the Great Hunt. The hunt’s rules are simple. Hunters are assigned some of the toughest targets in the galaxy, and each target has one other hunter assigned. Winner of each round is the one who collects the bounty AND eliminates their rival. Rinse, wash repeat until there’s only one left. There’s your grand champion of the great hunt.

Your first target is on the war zone planet of Balmora and is an Imperial Admiral who almost never leaves his well guarded command starship. An interesting plot evolves to lure the admiral down to the surface as you’re employed by one of his underlings. This Imperial Major has no idea of the great hunt, and wants you to do jobs to discredit his superior so the admiral will promote him.

After the Admiral is tagged and bagged, you’re off to Hutta’s moon of Nar Shadda, which is the Star Wars version of Las Vegas. There you have to hunt a retired assassin with a perfect record. He’s gone into the private security business though. In order to lure him out, you attack the company’s assets. Your rival here is a fairly comical one also, and you have the option of sparing them after you beat them.

Round three of the Great Hunt sends you to Tattoine. There, you’re after an infamous con artist who is as slippery as they come.

After you’re finished on Tattoine, you’re recalled to the Mandalorian Enclave. It seems some weasel got his hands on the Great Hunt’s target list and the Hunt Master wants you to eliminate the guy and recover the list before the hunt is compromised. If you want to go full on dark side, you can eliminate everybody at the auction, which the Mandalorians heartily approve of.

Round Four leads you to Alderaan, where you’re tasked with killing a noble with a reputation for being unkillable. Along the way, you aid one of the noble houses that’s loyal to the Empire, and even have the chance to decide who takes over as it’s head at the end of the mission arc.

As soon as you’re on your ship and leaving Alderaan, you get a call from the legendary Mandalorian Hedarr Soongh, who offers to help you resolve the issue with the dirty competitor who has been trying to sabotage you repeatedly and killed most of your crew back on Hutta. When you arrive on Nar Shadda and meet Soongh, it turns out that he trained the competitor and finds his interference disgusting and a betrayal of the Mandalorian standards of honor. You’re provided the opportunity to trial by combat with the competitor’s chief henchman to end the interference.

After that’s resolved, you’re given the final target of the Great Hunt: A jedi master onboard a republic battleship. Here’s where things get to be a little bit of a stretch also for me, BUT it makes for typical grandiose Star Wars storytelling. This Jedi Master single-handedly took down roughly 100 Mandalorians during the final battle of the previous war and has the nickname “The Mandalorian Killer”. You and your rival get to take him on solo however.

Your handler’s plan is simple enough. Get on board the ship, disable it’s shields and hyperspace stabilizers, then set it to jump to hyperspace and tear the whole ship apart with the jedi on it. Of course, that would be too easy, so the jedi master and his padawan are waiting for you at the navigation controls. After you kill the jedi that 100 Mandalorians couldn’t beat, you’re declared Grand Champion of the Great Hunt.

As for your dirty playing Mandalorian rival… I’ll save that as a surprise. 🙂

Thus ends chapter one. Chapter two opens with the Hunt Master telling you that your victory has earned you an audience with Mandalore himself, and you’re sent to Mandalore’s flagship. Mandalore has his inner circle of elites gathered; all past winners of the Great Hunt. You’re made a Mandalorian and part of Mandalore the Vindicated’s clan, then sent on a hunt to test you.

After you succeed there, Mandalore says that you’ve earned a spot in the inner circle, and that you’ll be taking his place as the Mandalorian in the group, because he has to focus on “winning the Sith’s war for them” since at this point open warfare has broken out again.

The rest of the group explains that as part of this elite group, you now have access to the legendary “black list”; a collection of ultra high credit bounties on targets that make the great hunt look easy.

The first target you’re given is “the traitor”; Jicoln Cadera. Cadera led his clan in opposition to Mandalore’s rise to that role. He believed that the Mandalorians should be testing themselves against the Sith, not fighting the Jedi, whom he viewed as more honorable. Cadera has been in hiding on the planet Taris, which was completely ruined by Imperial bombardment during Knights of the Old Republic 1. It’s all ruins and toxic swamps now. You’re aided by Cadera’s son, who is determined to kill his father and restore his clan’s good name within Mandalorian society. After you eliminate Cadera, his son becomes a member of your crew, and a romantic interest for a female character.

Torian Cadera is a great addition to the crew, and reveals a great deal about Mandalorian culture and language that I hadn’t seen before. It MAY have been mentioned elsewhere before, but this was the first mention of Beskar steel and Beskar’gar (armor) that I recall.

Side Note: Wookiepedia says it was first mentioned in Star Wars Insider magazine in 2006, about 5 years before SWTOR was released. I think it’s fair to say it’s inclusion in SWTOR helped solidify it being canon and appearing in “The Clone Wars” and “The Mandalorian” though.

As you’re leaving Taris, you get a call from AdasCorp, who offers you a ridiculously generous endorsement deal for their battlefield performance enhancing drugs. When you arrive at their building on the planet Quesh, you discover it’s all a trap by the Republic Strategic Information Service (think CIA), and you get to shoot your way out. The SIS was attempting to capture you to stand trial for the destruction of their battleship and the death of the Mandalorian Killer.

That plot thread is left dangling as you’re sent after the next target; a pirate lord running a huge operation on Hoth. It’s here you meet the legendary snow jawa Blizz and he joins your crew after the pirate is dealt with.

Yes, there really IS a snow jawa, LOL… Sort of…

As you finish up on Hoth, the rest of the inner circle call and congratulate you, teasing that you’re making them look bad. They still want to throw a big party to celebrate your wins though, as they bring glory to the whole group. When you show up at the party on Nar Shadda, the SIS and Jedi have killed them all. Because you’re the baddest hunter in the galaxy, you defeat the group of SIS and Jedi, and then escape.

Returning to your ship, you find out that the Republic has put a 10 million credit bounty on your head and has a mile long list of made up war crimes that they’re blaming you for along with the few jobs you did do. The Supreme Chancellor himself is on the Holonet declaring it all. Yes, the Republic’s leadership is nearly as dirty as the Empire. The fallout is so bad that even the Empire starts to disavow you, but one Darth takes an interest and summons you to his command dreadnought.

Arriving there, you find out that our Darth has an elaborate plan to win the war and lure out the Supreme Chancellor and his Jedi assistant that’s responsible for most of your grief. To cut this short, the Darth has out fearless hunter eliminate a few key pieces from the galactic stage, which helps set up the Empire forcing the core world Corellia into joining the Empire.

Forced to travel to Corellia to seek a diplomatic solution with it’s government, our hunter first gets to deal with the Jedi Battlemaster that framed them, and then go after the Supreme Chancellor himself.

Big Spoiler here: In what is likely the biggest Light vs Dark decision in the game, the Supreme Chancellor admits to being duped by his Jedi advisor, but takes full responsibility for his actions. He transmits the truth of the hunter’s actions to the public, and offers to return to Coruscant for impeachment if spared. He also offers the hunter full immunity for the things they DID do, IF they’ll return to the Imperial ship and kill the Darth that helped them. Said Darth is guilty of major war crimes on multiple planets.

Your decision there pretty much ends the original game story line, with your Bounty Hunter telling the crew that there’s more bounties out there after they’ve had a well deserved rest.

As an added bonus, here’s the promo trailer for the Bounty Hunter:

Ever Wonder What Alderaan Looked Like?

Friday Fun Day here at the blog, so time for something on the lighter side. If you’re like many Star Wars fans, you’ve probably found yourself wondering at least once what Alderaan looked like before the Death Star blew it up. We all know it looked something like this afterwards, lol:

Asteroid field with space fog background – yes, dark humor. 😛

Well, I was always curious what it had been like anyway; this peaceful utopia with no weapons (per Leia).

The only real look that I know of comes via the video game Star Wars: The Old Republic. Yes, it’s a video game, but Disney has adapted elements from different games as part of canon already, including The Old Republic. The Chiss Ascendancy being one example.

Bottom line, this may or may not be canon. My best educated guess is yes, because Disney’s overall pattern with deciding what’s canon seems to be “does it fit and would we have to pay royalties to anybody outside of our existing sphere”. Alderaan’s description fits and is from Bioware / Electronic Arts, which is inside of it’s existing realm of control.

My opinion of Disney overall has been covered in previous posts

So, What Has Been Disclosed About Alderaan?

I remember ages ago that Alderaan, at the time of the movies, had been described as a planet of artisans and tradespeople. Largely rural as well, if I recall correctly. Alderaan 3000 years before the battle of Yavin (when the game is set) was the same geographically, but different socially. It’s a mountainous planet with a very similar look to the European Alps. It has quite few rugged peaks with alpine meadows, lakes and rivers between them:

The architecture doesn’t blend with nature in the classic definition, but it’s artistic with a feel of sharing nature as opposed to dominating it, at least to me. Below is one of many mountain passes on Alderaan’s playable map area:

Alderaan, both in game lore and during the time of the movies, is ruled by a royal family with other noble houses playing advisors and lobbyists to the royals. The high ranking noble houses have lesser “vassal” noble houses that follow them, and then there’s the public. It’s fairly feudal in nature without the “serfs bound to the land” aspect.

The ruling family / house can change with the death of the king or queen, since apparently the nobles have to approve the new ruler. If there’s a disagreement, then you can end up with a civil war, which was the case in the game. House Panteer was the ruling family right up to the time of the game, and MUCH later, House Organa had the throne during A New Hope.

The high ranking noble houses are described as some of the most wealthy in the entire galaxy, and I think the House Organa palace reflects that pretty well:

The actual Alderaan royal castle makes that look like a shanty town plywood shack too.

Ergo, I think one might conclude that Grand Moff Tarken had a secondary objective in blowing up Alderaan; ending it’s economic power and influence within the Empire.

Alderaan was far from peaceful 3000 years before the movie. I already mentioned a civil war. All of Alderaan’s noble houses prided themselves on and bragged about the quality of their knights and officers, as well as their battle droids. One noble house; House Rist, even worked strictly as a guild of assassins and information brokers for the other noble houses, with no loyalty to any of them. Sounds akin to the Iga and Koga ninja of feudal Japan.

Obviously, if Leia was being honest when talking to Tarkin, Alderaan had grown a fair amount in the 3000 years leading up to the movies. The noble houses were clearly still there and holding power however.

You Stuck Up, Half-Witted, Scruffy Looking Nerf Herder!

Just about everybody remembers THIS scene from Empire Strikes Back:

Well… one of the highlights of my original time playing this game was finally seeing a Nerf! YES, they’re real, and they’re raised as farm animals and exist in the wild on Alderaan:

I thought it was a nice touch, adding them into the game, and showed the developers were true fans, LOL. Yes, that’s my pureblood Sith Adoxia that I got the screenshot with as well.

A Sith (Star Wars) Monty Python!

Fair warning; this will be the most eccentric thing you’ve ever read. If you’re a video gamer, you’ll probably love it. If you’re a Star Wars or Monty Python and the Holy Grail fan, you’ll probably love it. So what is it?

Years ago… like back in 2012… I had my first run with the game Star Wars: The Old Republic. I was part of a little guild (gaming group) full of eccentric characters. I got really bored one day and wrote a version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail set in the game universe. I made fun of all the group, my own character Adoxia included, along with various gaming tropes like godmoders and ERP.

Overly simple definitions there: Godmoders are people that think their character is invincible, and declare it loud and often. ERP is essentially cybering as your game character. Yes, there are weird people out there everywhere. Any Star Wars terms in the story that folks might not know, I’ll provide links to. Don’t worry about the various character names either.

Dromund Kaas is the seat of the Sith Empire in the game. The Empire and the Republic exist side by side in this era. It’s a jungle planet. Kaas City is the actual captial city.

PROLOGUE:

It is a time of galactic tyranny.  The mighty Sith lord Adoxia has slain all opposition and become Empress of the galaxy.  Worlds tremble in fear at her power and majesty.  Rebels of the former galactic republic hide and wet themselves at the mere mention of her name.

Never content, the darkest lord of the Sith dreams of new glories and solidifying her empire…  Little does she know the fate that awaits her.

Dromund Kaas…  The seat of her mighty empire.  Adoxia skips through the jungle, her bootlicking droid 2V-R8 following behind her, carrying a boom box making landspeeder noises.  She stops at the walls of a great fortified villa.  2V-R8 immediately switches the boom box to the sound of a landspeeder stopping.  Adoxia looks up to the perimeter wall of the villa and spots a sentry.

“Halt!  Who Goes There!?”, called out the sentry.

“It is I, Adoxia.”, she replied in a haughty tone.  “Dark lord of the Sith, mistress of the dark side, destroyer of Jedi, and Empress of the Sith Empire.”

“Pull the other one!”, the sentry replied.

“I am!”, she replied.  “And this is my bootlicking droid, Patsy.”

“But master, my designation is 2V-R…”, the droid started to protest.

 “I said your name is Patsy”, Adoxia replied venomously as she blasted the hapless robot with force lightning.

The robot fell on the ground twitching and smoking from several servos.  “As…  as you say master”

With that settled, Adoxia returned her attention to the Villa’s sentry.   “Now as I was saying…”  “I have traveled far across the planet searching for those worthy to join my dark army of Sith at Kaas City.”  “Tell your employer I wish to speak with him, NOW.”

“What, traveled far in a landspeeder?”, the sentry demanded in a disbelieving tone.

“Yes.”, Adoxia replied.

“You’re using a giant boom box”, the sentry replied mockingly.

“What?” demanded Adoxia, somewhat taken aback.

“You’ve got a giant boom box making landspeeder sound effects.”, the sentry replied mockingly.

“So?”, demanded Adoxia.  “We’ve traveled since the rains of winter fell on Dromund Kaas and I wish to speak to your employer.”

“Where did you get the boom box?”, the guard demanded.

“We…  found it.”, Adoxia replied indignantly with a shifty eyed look.

“Found it?” the guard said, incredulous.  “In the jungle??”

“Yes”, Adoxia replied in a frustrated tone.

“But this is a dank humid hellhole of a jungle”, the guard replied.  “Boom boxes don’t survive in this kind of humidity.”

“I… had a Jawa bring it to me”, Adoxia replied

“Are you suggesting Jawas live on Dromund Kass?”, the guard asked.

“Not at all.”, Adoxia replied.  “They can be flown in.”

“What??” the guard asked in a challenging tone  “A Jawa, carrying a giant boom box flown in?”

“It could carry it by the handle!”, Adoxia replied, growing more annoyed.

“It’s not a question of a handle.”, the guard replied in a snooty intellectual tone.  “It’s a simple matter of weight ratios.”   “A twenty pound Jawa can’t carry a 50 pound boom box!”

“Well it doesn’t matter!”, Adoxia snapped, now thoroughly annoyed.  “Now go and tell your employer that Empress Adoxia from Kaas City is here.”

“Look, in order for a Jawa to carry something of that size, it’d need a hover platform, right?”, the guard demanded.

“Go!”, demanded Adoxia.

“Am I right?”, continued the guard, pushing the issue.

“I’m not interested.”, replied Adoxia flatly.

“It could be carried by a snow Jawa.”, a second guard next to the first one said.

“Oh yeah, a snow Jawa maybe…”, the first guard replied.  “But they never get on starships.”

Adoxia was nearly in a rage now.  “Will you go ask your employer if they have the strength to serve in my Empire?!?”

“Right, true…” the second guard replied.  “So it could never bring a boom box anyway.”

Adoxia screamed in rage and shot force lightning at both of the guards, killing them, then skipped off.  2V-R8 immediately turned on the boom box, playing landspeeder acceleration sounds.

In a nearby recently crushed rebel village, bodies lay strew all in the street.  People wailed and cried at their crushing defeat, and filth and squalor were everywhere.  A huge cart piled with corpses was being pulled by two Gamorreans as an Imperial marine yelled into a bullhorn

“Bring out your dead!”, the marine repeated over and over as they slowly made their way through the town.

“Here, I’ve got one for you.”, demanded Kortiana, carrying a battered and bruised Twi’lek.

“I’m not dead.”, the Twi’lek protested.

The marine looked at the Twi’lek and back to Kortiana.  “He says he’s not dead.”

“Yes he is.”, replied Kortiana matter-of-factly.

“No I’m not.”, replied the Twi’lek.

“Well, it’s against regulations for me to take him like that.”, the Marine replied in a somewhat confused tone.

“Can’t you just wait around a few minutes?”, Kortiana demanded.  “He won’t be long now.”

“No. I’m already two villages behind schedule.”, the Marine replied.

“Well when will you be back?”, demanded Kortiana indignantly.

“Thursday.”, the Marine answered.

“That won’t do at all.” replied Kortiana.  “I need something done now.”

“Sorry, but I can’t take him like that.”, the marine insisted.

“Oh very well…”, Kortiana said, frying the Twi’lek with lightning till his body smoked.  “Now take him, she said, throwing the corpse on the cart.

No sooner than the corpse was thrown on the cart than Adoxia came skipping by with 2V-R8 and the boom box in tow.  Kortiana and the marine watched her skip past them and out the other end of the village.

“Who was that?” asked the marine, puzzled

“Must have been the Empress.”, Kortiana replied matter-of-factly.

“How could you tell?”  Demanded the marine.

“She’s never gotten rid of that idiotic dancer’s bikini top.”, replied Kortiana in a disgusted tone.

And so Adoxia traveled the length of the Drumond Kaas game zone…  Boom box making landspeeder noses and playing epic theme music all the way.  Soon she passed a wandering Chiss wearing a hood.

“Old woman!”, Adoxia called out.

“Man.”, the Chiss replied indignantly as Adoxia skipped up next to him.

“Oh.. sorry.”, said Adoxia sarcastically.  “What warlord lives in that villa up ahead?”

“I’m 37.”, the Chiss replied indigantly.

“What?”, Adoxia snapped.

“I’m 37, I’m not old.”, replied the Chiss, still indignant.

“Well I can’t just call you man.”, Adoxia said, continuing her sarcastic tone.

“You could call me Thrawn.”, the Chiss replied.

“I didn’t know your name.”, replied Adoxia in an annoyed tone.

“Well you didn’t bother to find out, did you?”, snapped the Chiss.

“Look, I did say sorry about the old woman…”, Adoxia said, “but from behind…”

“What I object to.”, the Chiss said, interrupting her. “is that you automatically treat me like an inferior.”

“Well, I am Empress.”, replied Adoxia in a condescending tone.

“Oh, Empress eh?”, the Chiss countered.  “Very nice.”  “And how’d you get that eh?”  “By exploiting the slaves.”  “By hanging on to outdated Imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.”   “If there’s ever going to be any change…”

The Chiss’s tirade was cut off by a woman running up and calling to him…  “Thrawn…  Thrawn…”

The woman stopped when she noticed Adoxia and Patsy… uhh 2V-8R.

“Oh, hello there.”, she said.  “Who are you?”

“I am Adoxia, Empress of the Sith.”, Adoxia replied.  “Who lives in that Villa over there?”

“Empress of the who?”, the woman asked.

“The Sith.”, Adoxia replied flatly.

“Who are the Sith?”, the woman asked.

“We all are.”, Adoxia replied.  “We are all Sith, and I am your Empress.”

“I didn’t know we had an Empress.” the woman replied indignantly.  “I thought we were an autonomous collective.”

“You’re fooling yourself”, the Chiss replied angrily.  “We’re living in a dictatorship.”  “A self-perpetuating autocracy and we’re just slaves.”

“Oh there you go bringing class into it again…”, replied the woman.

“Well that’s what it’s all about”, replied the Chiss bitterly.

“I demand to know who lives in that villa up ahead, NOW!”, Adoxia spat.

“No one lives there.” the woman replied.

“Then who is your master?”, Adoxia demanded.

“We don’t have a master.”, replied the woman

“Then who leads you?”, demanded Adoxia.

At this point the Chiss went into a long tirade about how they were independent and took turns leading, how decisions had to be ratified by a majority, etc, etc…

After a minute or two of this, Adoxia had finally had enough.  “Silence!”, she yelled.  “I order you to be silent.”

“Silent?”, the woman asked indignantly.  “Who does she think she is?”

“I am Adoxia, your Empress!”, Adoxia barked at her.

“Well I didn’t vote for you.”, the woman replied.

“You don’t vote for an Empress.”, Adoxia said, incredulous.

“Well how’d you become Empress then?”, the woman demanded.

“My first master, Darth Zash, her head full of insane schemes, gave me my first lightsaber.” Adoxia said  “Signifying my birthright to oppress and slay all before me.”   “That is why I’m your Empress.”

“Listen.”, demanded the Chiss.  “Strange women with crazed delusions handing out laser swords is no basis for a system of government.”  “Supreme executive power is derived from the consent of the masses, not some absurd Sith ritual.”

“That… is where you’re wrong”, said Adoxia, finally having enough.

Adoxia lashed out with force lightning (again), causing the Chiss to writhe in pain.

“Come and see the violence inherent in the system!  Come and see the violence inherent in the system!”, the Chiss shrieked.   “Help, help!  I’m being repressed!”

“Bloody Republic sympathizer.”, spat Adoxia, pulling out her lightsaber and lopping the Chiss’s head off.

a Gundark

With that she skipped on deeper into the jungles of Drumund Kaas.  2V-8R followed behind as always, playing landspeeder noise and epic theme music.

Deep in the jungle, she came upon a godmoder who had just slain a Jedi in an epic lightsaber duel.  Having seen the killing blow and been quite impressed, Adoxia approached the godmoder.

“You fight with the strength of a gundark.”, Adoxia said admiringly.

The godmoder just stood there and stared.

“I am Adoxia; Empress of the Sith”, she added.

Still the godmoder just stood there, staring.

“I seek the bravest and most devious warriors to join me in Kaas City.”, Adoxia said.

Still the godmoder continued to say nothing and stare.  By now, Adoxia decided the godmoder wasn’t very bright and therefore not a good candidate to serve her.

“Very well.”, she said.  “I will continue on my way.”  “Step aside”

“None shall pass.”, the godmoder said.

“What?”, demanded Adoxia.

“None shall pass.” the godmoder repeated.

“You’re going to make me do something you’ll regret.”, warned Adoxia in an angry tone.

“Then you shall die.”, stated the godmoder in the typical arrogant tone of godmoders.

With that, both drew their lightsabers and began to fight.

Adoxia quickly gained the upper hand, and lopped her opponent’s left arm off.

“Now stand aside.” Adoxia demanded

“It’s just a scratch.”, the godmoder insisted

“A scratch?” Adoxia demanded.  “I cut off your arm, you twit.”

“No you didn’t” insisted the godmoder.

“Then what…” Adoxia retorted, “is that?” as she pointed to the severed arm on the ground.

“The godmoder looked at the evidence in front of his face and merely replied with “Ive had worse”

With that, the two began dueling again; lightsabers crashing furiously against each other.  The godmoder made a blind charge, which Adoxia deftly sidestepped, and lopped off the godmoder’s right arm.

“I win.”, said Adoxia flatly.  Boy is this REALLY becoming an overused plot device the last few days though, she thought to herself.

The godmoder ran up and began kicking at Adoxia with his feet.  Adoxia’s look was completely incredulous.

“You’re either completely mad or suicidal.” she said.

“Oh, had enough then?” the godmoder taunted.

After a few kicks in the shin, Adoxia grew extremely angry and lopped the godmoder’s right leg off.

“I’ll kill you for that!” the godmoder yelled, hopping around on hid remaining leg.

“What are you going to do, bleed on me?”, Adoxia asked with amused sarcasm.

“I’m invincible!”, the godmoder yelled.

“You’re a lunatic.” Adoxia said flatly, turning to leave.

The godmoder kept hopping on one foot and kicking at Adoxia however, hitting her in the rear a few times.  Adoxia whipped around and hacked off his other leg, leaving his limbless torso on the forest floor.

“Come, Patsy.”, Adoxia commanded and began to skip off. 

2V-8R dutifully followed, playing the usual sound effects and theme music.  Back on the path, the godmoder screamed a bunch of cries of chicken and repeatedly threatened to bite Adoxia’s ankles.

Revanites

In the next village she came to, Adoxia first passed a group of hooded Revanites, chanting strange chants and banging copies of the mask of Revan into their faces.  Embarrassed that she’d joined their order, she proceeded past and pretended not to know them.  She reached the middle of the village and was greeted by a mob screaming “Rebel!  Rebel!”  “We found a rebel!”  They carried a woman tied up and wearing an incredibly ill-fitting Republic military uniform up to a man who looked to be the village warlord; a large strong and attractive Sith pureblood male.

A Sith Pureblood

“What’s going on here?” the man demanded.

“We’ve found a rebel, my lord.” one of the villagers said.  “May we execute her?”

Adoxia looked over the girl in a ridiculously ill-fitting Republic uniform.  “How do you know she’s a rebel?”, Adoxia demanded.

“She looks like one.”, the villager said.

“Bring her forward.”, the pureblood commanded.

“I’m not a rebel.”, the woman protested.  “I’m not a rebel.”

“But you’re dressed as one.”, the pureblood replied craftily.

“They dressed me like this.”, the woman insisted.  “And look, this helmet isn’t even real, it’s from Halloween City!”

The crowd roared in protest, but the pureblood only held up his arm to silence them.  “Well?”, he demanded.

“Well, we did do the helmet…”, one of the villagers grumbled.  “But she is a rebel!”

“And what makes you think she’s a rebel?”

“Well, she used force persuade to make me stop drinking.”, said one villager, taking a huge drink from a jug of liquor.

“Stop drinking?”, said the doubtful pureblood.

“I got over it.” said the embarrassed villager.

With that, the mob again began to call for the woman’s execution, and again the pureblood raised his hand to silence them

“There are way to tell if she is a rebel.”, he stated matter-of-factly.   “Now tell me, what do we do with rebels?”

“Blast them.  Blast them!”  the crowd cried.

“And what else do we blast, aside from more rebels?”, the pureblood asked the crowd.

After several inane answers from the crowd, Adoxia finally spoke up and said “Gundarks.”

“Exactly!”, replied the pureblood.  “And if both gundarks and rebels are our enemies…”

“Then that must mean they’re on the same side!”, shouted one of the villagers.

“Exactly again.”, said the pureblood.

“Soooo…”, said one confused villager, trying to muddle through the illogic, “If we throw her to the gundarks and they like her…”

“Rebel!  Rebel!”, screamed the crowd.

“Come, we will take her to the pit.”, the pureblood said.

The mob carried her to the other edge of the village and threw her into a pit with a gundark where she was promptly torn apart.

“Now see?” the pureblood said.  “She was innocent.”  “Learn to show trust and compassion.”

Adoxia shook her head at the Revanite ramblings and approached the handsome pureblood.  He saw her approach and asked “And who are you that is so skilled in seeking the truth?”

“I am Adoxia, Empress of the Sith.”

“My lord.” proclaimed the pureblood, immediately kneeling and bowing his head.

“I’m looking for worthy Sith to serve me at Kaas City, and in your case, share my bed.”, Adoxia said in a sultry tone.

“My lord, I would be honored.”, responded the pureblood.

“What’s your name?” demanded Adoxia in a haughty voice.

“Stygus, my lord.”

“Rise, Darth Stygus and follow your new master.”, Adoxia replied with a vixen like grin.

And so Darth Stygus became the first to follow the Empress and journey with her to Kaas City…  They were joined by many more and their Sithy deeds were told throughout the ages…

The wise Darth Stygus was the first to join Empress Adoxia, but many others were soon to follow.  There was lord Cenderon the fierce,  Darth Kurriz the godmoder,  and Apprentice Haheek, the not so fierce as lord Cenderon, the almost as bad a godmoder as Darth Kurriz, who had almost won a PVP match, who had nearly saw a Jedi, who ran at the sight of a Jawa, and the aptly named Darth deleted from the guild.  Together they formed a guild whose names and deeds were known throughout the server.

As the entire group skipped along with 2V-R8 carrying the giant boom box playing landspeeder noises and epic theme music, the sky parted and the Force revealed itself to them.

“Adoxia!” the Force said.  “Adoxia, Empress of the Sith!”

The assembled group immediately fell to its knees in awe of the presence of the Force.

“Oh quit groveling.” the force snapped.  “If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s people groveling.”

“Yes, oh great Force.” Adoxia said as the group got to it’s feet.

“And quit sucking up!” the force demanded.  “Every time I flow thru someone it’s ‘oh the Force is strong’ or ‘oh the Force binds the galaxy together’.”  “I’m sick of it.”

“Sorry, oh Force…”, said Adoxia, somewhat befuddled.

“Adoxia, Empress of the Sith…” the Force continued.  “You shall have a task to serve as an example for the rest of the galaxy!”

“Good idea, oh force!” Adoxia exclaimed excitedly, eager for something to move the plot along.

“Oh course it a good idea!”, the Force snapped in an irritated tone.  “Now behold!” it continued.  “The fearsome and all powerful… Plot Device!”

The swirling mass of Force energy revealed an image of an innocuous looking cube with a Bioware company logo on it.

“Behold, Adoxia, this is the Plot Device.” the force said.   “Look well, for it is your sacred task to seek the device.”  “That is your purpose, Adoxia; the quest for the Plot Device.”

With that, the Force withdrew from the skies.

“It could have said how much XP (experience points) it was worth.” Adoxia mumbled to herself.

The group rode along again with 2V-R8 following behind as usual.  For many days they skipped across the jungles.  Eventually they came upon a fortress.  They skipped up to it, and Adoxia called out to the guard on the battlement.

“Hello!” she yelled.  After a few moments of silence, she called again.  “Hello!”

Finally she got an answer…

“Hello, who is it?” the sentry called back in a funny accent.

“It is I, Adoxia, Empress of the Sith, and these are my Sith lords.”, Adoxia replied.  “Whose fortress is this?”

“This is the fortress of my master, lord WhoTheHellCares!” the sentry yelled back.

“Go and tell your master that the Force is guiding us on a sacred quest.” Adoxia said.  “If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Plot Device.”

“Well, I’ll ask him,” the guard replied in a somewhat flippant tone, “but I don’t think he’ll go for it.”  “He’s already got one, you see.”

“What?!?” Adoxia demanded incredulously.

“He says he’s already got one.” Haheek said, earning him a slap to the back of the head by Adoxia

“Are you sure he’s got one?” Adoxia asked the sentry.

“Oh yes,” the sentry replied.  “It’s very nice.”

The sentry looked over at three other sentries near him, hidden behind the battlements of the tall fortress walls.  “I told them we already had one.” he whispered.  The other sentries all snickered in response.

Adoxia and the others looked at each other, somewhat confused…

“Well, uh… can we come up and have a look?” Adoxia asked.

“Of course not.” the sentry replied in a haughty, indignant tone.  “You are Imperial types!”

“Well, what are you then?” Adoxia demanded.

“I’m a Trekker.” the guard replied arrogantly.  “Why do you think I have this outrageous red shirt and fake Vulcan ears?”

“What are you doing on Dromund Kaas?” Darth Stygus demanded.

“Well, Star Trek Online really sucked,” the guard replied, “and anyway, mind your own business!”

“If you will not show us the Plot Device, then we shall be forced to take your fortress by force.”, Adoxia threatened, eager to gain more dark side points.

“You don’t frighten us, Imperial jawa lickers!” the sentry taunted.  After which, he continued with a stream of equal ludicrous taunts and insults.

“Now look”, Adoxia replied coldly, “if you don’t…”

The trekker sentry immediately cut her off with another tirade of insulting taunts.

“This is your last chance.” Adoxia replied in a bloodthirsty tone.  “I’ve TRIED to be reasonable.”

No sooner had she spoken than a Bantha came flying, catapulted over the wall.  The huge beast came crashing down on one of their bootlicking apprentices.

a Bantha

“Charge!” Adoxia yelled.  “Kill them all!”

The group charged the fortress wall, only to be met with a shower of  animals and monsters being flung down upon them by the trekkers; everything from womp rats to vine cats and small dewbacks.

“Run away!” Adoxia yelled, and ran for the edge of the jungle.  No sooner had she said so then the others were all screaming “run away” and sprinting for the tree line as well.

“Arrogant weaklings, I’ll kill them all!” lord Cendera  cursed.

“My lord,” said Stygus, cutting off Cendera’s rant.  “I have an idea…”

The trekker guard studied the jungle beyond the clearing carefully…  Nothing could be seen, but the sounds of fierce construction work could be heard in the distance.  The noise went on for quite some time until a wooden gigantic scale replica NCC-1701A Enterprise on wheels rolled out of the jungle.  All the trekkers stared in disbelief.  They carefully opened the fortress door, looked about and then pulled the replica through the doors and into the fortress as Adoxia and the Sith watched from the edge of the jungle with wicked delight.  When the fortress door was resealed, Adoxia turned to Stygus and spoke.

“What happens now?”, she demanded.

“Now, Cendera, Kurriz and I wait until nightfall,” Stygus explained in a proud tone, ” and leap out of the starship, taking the trekkers by surprise.”  “Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed.”

Adoxia rolled her eyes in annoyance and looked about the group huddled around her.  “Who leaps out?” she asked in an irritated tone.

“Cendera, Kurriz and I”, Stygus replied, pointing at the other two Sith.

Adoxia and Cendera both facepalmed and Adoxia barely had time to inform Stygus he wouldn’t be getting any tonight before the replica Enterprise came catapulted over the fortress wall, straight at them.

“Run AWAY!” they all yelled in terror, fleeing for their lives into the jungle.

Cut to a scene of a Game Developer standing in front of a set of the battle…

“Defeat at the fortress seemed to completely disheartened Empress Adoxia.”  “The ferocity of the trekker onslaught taking her by surprise.”  Adoxia the Empress became convinced that a new strategy was required.” the Game Developer said, sounding like a rather boring junior college history lecturer.

“Adoxia, having consulted her most trusted Sith, decided that they should separate,” continued the Game Developer, “and search for the Plot Device separately.”  “Now this is what…” The game developer never finished his sentence though.  He was cut off, literally, in mid sentence by somebody racing by on a speeder bike, and lopping his head off with a lightsaber!

The Tale of Apprentice Haheek!

And so, the Sith went their separate ways in search of the Plot Device.  Haheek travelled north, thru the Jungles of the flashpoint shuttle, accompanied by his favorite cantina band.

The cantina band played their instruments and sung songs of Haheek’s courage and how he wasn’t afraid to die.  The song gradually turned more and more graphic about the hideous ways Haheek was not afraid to die until he finally wet himself and then forced the band to be silent.

The jungle quickly darkened as they skipped along to the speeder bike sound effects until they came upon a 3 headed Jawa standing in the pathway.

“HALT!” commanded the three headed Jawa, who strangely enough spoke perfect basic, “Who are you?”

“He is the invincible apprentice Haheek!” boasted one of the cantina singers.

“Shut up!” snapped Haheek at the singer.  Haheek’s expression turned quite terrified as he turned back to the Jawa and stammered a reply  “Err… uhhh nobody really…  Just, just passing through.”

“What do you want?” the Jawa demanded in a fierce tone…  At least as fierce as a three foot high creature who doesn’t really speak basic could muster.

‘To fight and slay all!” the cantina singers chimed in again.

Haheek barked “Shut up!” at the singer again then turned back to the Jawa.  “Umm, nothing really…  Just to pass through, oh mighty…  level 2 monster” Haheek said as he checked his User Iinterface.

“I’m afraid not!” the Jawa barked in his fierce tone again.

“Well, um…” Haheek stammered, trying to gather up enough courage to godmode, “I am the greatest warrior of the Dark lords of the Sith and PVP (player vs player combat) champion of everything.”

“You’re a Sith lord PVP champion?” the Jawa asked, incredulous.

“I am”, Haheek replied, nearly soiling himself.

“In that case, we shall have to kill you”, the Jawa replied in a matter of fact tone.

“Shall I?”, asked the Jawa’s middle head of the other two.

“Oh I don’t think so.”, said the left head in an indignant tone

“Well what do I think?” asked the Jawa’s middle head in a somewhat confused tone.

“I think we kill him.” chimed in the Jawa’s right head.

“Well let’s be nice to him.” the left head replied.

“Oh shut up!”, snapped the right head.  “Now quick, get the vibrosword out so I can cut his head off.”

“Cut your own head off.” the left head replied sarcastically.

“Yes, do us all a favor.” the middle head added in a bitter tone.

“What?!?” said the right head in an incredulous tone.

“Yapping on all the time…” the left head continued.

“You’re lucky, you’re not next to him.” the center head said to the left head.

“What does that mean?” the right head asked indignantly.

“You snore.” the center head answered in an irate tone.

“I do not.” the right head responded indignantly again.  “And besides, you smell!”

“We’re a Jawa, what do you expect?” replied the center head angrily.

“Oh stop bitching and let’s go have tea” the left head said, snapping at the other two heads.

“Alright, alright, alright,” the right head replied in a snarky voice, “we’ll kill him first and then go have tea, and peppered bantha steak.”

“Yes.” the center head responded quite happily in agreement

“No, not peppered bantha steak.” the left head replied.

“Oh alright, not peppered bantha steak,” the right head replied in an annoyed tone, “but let’s kill him anyway.”

“Right!” all three heads finally said in agreement.

The three heads of the Jawa turned back from their bickering to look at the spot where Haheek had been standing.  There was nothing there except footprints where Haheek and his band had scurried off back the way they came, and a puddle of pee from where Haheek had wet himself, again.

“He’s buggered off!” the right head exclaimed indignantly.

A good distance down the road already, Haheek’s cantina band played as they fled.

“Brave apprentice Haheek ran away.” they sang and played

“No!” Haheek exclaimed in deep denial.

“Bravely ran away away.” they continued, almost snickering. 

“I didn’t…” Haheek replied in a flustered tone.

“When danger reared its ugly head, he quickly turned his tail and fled…” the band continued singing.

“I did not!” haheek continued to protest as they fled into the jungle.

“Of this there can be no doubt, he ran away and chickened out…” the band sang as they all disappeared into the distance.

Episode 3:  The Tale of lord Kurriz:

Lord Kurriz struggled alone and on foot bravely thought the downpour of rain, the hostile terrain and the mud.  His journey had been epic and all around him in the distance the sounds of Gundarks , vine cats and other foul beasts could be heard.  Just as Kurriz feared he had reached his limits, he saw a tall fortress, above it, a vision of the mighty plot device shown in all its glory.

With his remaining strength, Kurriz pushed onward to the fortress blast doors and began to beat on them.

“Open the blast doors, open the blast doors.”, he cried as he banged his fist on them.

“In the name of Empress Adoxia, open the door!” he continued as he collapsed from utter exhaustion against the door.

Suddenly the door did open, and Kurriz fell crashing to the floor inside the fortress entry way.  He looked back at the open door with a look of bewilderment (apparently surprised a door was opened when that’s exactly what he asked for), then turned to look beyond the entryway.  Before him stood a buxom young redhead woman in a form fitting and nearly sheer robe.  Four other similarly dressed women stood a bit behind her

“Hello, oh might Sith lord.”, the woman said in an almost overly warm tone.  “Welcome to the fortress womp rat fever.”

“The fortress womp rat fever?”, ask Kurriz in disbelief

“Yes, it’s not a very good name is it?” the woman replied almost apologetically.

At this point, seeing all the hawt women gathered around, Kurriz wondered if he’s stumbled into lord Stygus’s legendary harem.

“Ohhh, but we are nice,” the busty woman continued, “and we will attend to your every, every need.”

“You are the keepers of the plot device?”, Kurriz asked?

“The what?” the woman asked, feigning confusion.

“The plot device…  it is here?” Kurriz asked urgently.

The woman bit her lower lip in an almost erotic fashion and looked about for a moment before continuing to speak.  “Oh but you are tired, you must rest a while.”, she said sympatheticly. 

She turned to two of the women behind her.  “Panik…  Azuka…” she called to them.

Both immediately scurried up.  “Yes, mistress Cait?” they asked in unison.

“Prepare a bed for our guest.” Cait said to the two women.

“Yes, oh thank you, thank you. thank you.” Panik and Azuka replied in unison again and quite enthusiastically.

“Away…  away…” Cait replied with a dismissive waive of her hand.  The two women quickly scurried off down the hall.  Cait turned her attention back to Kurriz, who had yet to pick himself up off the floor.    “The beds here are warm and soft,” she said as she helped Kurriz up off the floor,  “and very, very big,”

“Well, look…  I uhh… I…”, stammered Kurriz, distracted by Cait’s ample cleavage.

“What is your name, oh mighty Sith lord?” Cait asked in a warm tone, putting her hand under Kurriz’s chin and moving his eyes to meet hers instead of her boobs.

“L… lord Kurriz… the godmoder.” Kurriz replied.

“Mine is Cait…  Just Cait.”, Cait replied with a smile as she moved closer to Kurriz.  “Oh but come…”, she said, taking Kurriz by the arm and leading him down the hall.

“In the name of the Force, show me the plot device.” Kurriz requested firmly, trying to pretend he hadn’t returned to staring at Cait’s cleavage.

“Oh you have suffered much, you are delirious.” Cait replied in a concerned tone.

“No, I have seen it, it is here…” Kurriz protested.

“Lord Kurriz, you would not be so rude as to refuse our hospitality, would you?” Cait asked in a mock wounded tone.

“Well…  I…  umm…” Kurriz stammered.

Cait sighed  “I’m afraid our life must seem quite dull and boring compared to yours.”  “We are all only junior college aged redheads and blonds, not at all female impersonators, under aged girls or FBI sting agents… cut off in this fortress with no one to protect us.”  “It is a lonely life… bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear…”  We are just not used to all powerful godmoding Sith lords.”

By now, Cait and Kurriz had reached a bedroom in the fortress and Cait lead him to the bed and pushed him down onto it.

“Oh but you are wounded.” exclaimed Cait, seeing a scratch on Kurriz’s thigh.  She ran her hand up Kurriz’s inner thigh.  “You must see the doctors immediately.”

Cait made Kurriz lie down on the bed, then clapped her hands.  The same two young women from earlier scurried into the room.

“What seems to be the problem?” Panik asked.

“They’re doctors?!?” Kurriz asked, incredulously. 

“They have a… basic medical training.” Cait responded with a shifty eyed look.  “You must rest.”  Cait looked up at the two women.  “Doctor Panik, doctor Azuka, practice your arts.

Cait walked out of the room as the redhead and Chiss woman practically pounced on Kurriz and began trying to remove his armor under the premise of giving him a medical examination. 

The type to be intimidated and unable to handle even one confident, capable woman, much less two, Kurriz jumped off the bed in a panic (NOT in a Panik).   “Torment me no longer.” he cried.  “I have seen the plot device.”

“There’s no plot device here.” Azuka replied.

“Never is with THIS kind of RP.” Panik added with a sigh and a smirk.

“I have seen it!” Kurriz protested.  “I have seen it”  With that, Kurriz ran from the room and into an adjacent room where the two women had entered from.

The room was full of dozens of scantily clad young women doing various things.  They all immediately took notice of Kurriz and began greeting him.  He rushed out through a side door before they could all swarm him.  He ran down the hall and straight into a very busty Twi’lek woman with blue skin, dressed in a slave girl bikini costume.

“Oh…  I thought you were Cait for a moment.” Kurriz said.

“No,” the Twi’lek replied,  “I’m Cait’s identical twin sister Tsel.”

Kurriz looked completely lost, trying to figure out how a blue skinned Twi’lek and a redhead human could be identical twins, but quickly lost his train of thought.   “I am Kurriz.” he said.  “I seek the plot device.”  “It is here, I have seen it!” he insisted.  “It’s here in this fortress.”

Tsel’s expression immediately turned mock horrified  “Oh no…  Oh no…  oh NO!” she gasped.

“What?” Kurriz asked, confused

“Bad, bad Cait.” Tsel exclaimed.  “Bad, wicked naughty Cait!”  “She has been lighting our beacon, which I just remembered is plot device shaped.”  “It’s not the first time we’ve had this problem.” Tsel added, shaking her head disappointedly.

“It’s not the real plot device??” Kurriz asked in disbelief.

“Oh wicked, naughty, bad evil Cait!” Tsel exclaimed.  “She is a bad person, and must pay the penalty!”  Tsel grabbed Kurriz by the hand and lead him back down the hallway he’d just raced through.  “Wicked, wicked Cait.” she said again.  “She must pay the penalty!”, she added as they reached the room with all the other women.  “And here in fortress womp rat fever. we have but one penalty for switching on the plot device shaped beacon.”

Kurriz nodded, curious.  “Ok…”

“You must tie her down on a bed,” Tsel continued, “and spank her!” 

And the other women in the room seemed clearly excited by the idea and began cheering.  “A spanking, a spanking!” they cried.

“You must spank her well.” Tsel said.  “And after you have spanker her, you may deal with her as you like.”  Tsel took a deep breath before continuing.  “And then… spank me.” she added in a sultry tone.

The other women all joined in with cries of “and spank me!”

“Yes… yes!” Tsel replied.  “You must give as all a good spanking!”

The women were all ecstatic at that point and Tsel had to take a few moments to calm them down somewhat.  Afterwards she turned back to Kurriz and continued to speak

“And after the spanking… the ERP!” she exclaimed.

“Yes, yes, the ERP!” several of the other women exclaimed excitedly.   

“Well, I could stay a bit longer…” Kurriz decided, staring at Tsel’s cleavage, which was ready to pop out of the trashy slave girl top.

No sooner had Kurriz’s tongue hit the ground and he began drooling uncontrollably at the thought of ERPing with so many girls, than Darth Suleyman and lord Cendera broke into the room, and dragged Kurriz literally kicking and screaming from the fortress full of foul ERP temptresses.

Darth Suleyman and lord Cendera had saved Kurriz from almost certain temptation, but they were no closer to locating the plot device.

Not far away, Empress Adoxia and Darth Stygus sat onboard a X-70 Phantom starship, making out passionately as Adoxia encouraged him to feel her up.  Across the table sat a rather annoyed looking redhead intelligence officer, one of the Empress’s many spies.

“Look, Empress or not,” Lyanna snapped, “Either let me deliver my report, or at least let me join in.”

Adoxia let out an annoyed sigh and buttoned back up her top.  “Very well…” she replied in an annoyed tone, “WHAT have you learned about the location of the Plot Device?”

“There is said to be a powerful sith wizard here on Dromund Kaas.” Lyanna said.

“Yes, yes…” Adoxia replied impatiently.  “Every idiot with a sorcerer character thinks they’re one…”  “Has this ‘wizard’ seen the plot device?”

Lyanna only rolled her eyes, displaying an annoyance similar to Darth Baras’s when asked if something was wrong.  Obviously, she wouldn’t bring it up if he didn’t know anything…

“Where does he live?” Adoxia demanded next.

Lyanna punched up a map on the ship’s holoterminal, and continued to speak.  “He knows of an assembly cave…”  “A cave which no man has entered.”  “More than can be said for you…” she mumbled afterwards.

Adoxia pretended not to hear the snarky remark.  “And the Plot Device?”, she asked in a condescending tone.  “Is it in there?”

“Did I say it was?” Lyanna snapped again.  “This is a dangerous journey, TRY to pay attention.”  “Beyond the cave lies the gorge of eternal crashes, which no system has ever survived.”  “They keep promising to fix it in the next patch though.” she muttered again.

“And the Plot Device?” Adoxia demanded angrily.  “Where is the Plot Device.”

“In the gorge…” Lyanna continued, sounding more annoyed and turning a bit red, “seek the bridge of doom.”

Adoxia and Stygus looked at each other, somewhat concerned…  Adoxia turned back to face Lyanna, quirked an eyebrow and asked; “The bridge of doom leads to the Plot Device?”

Unable to handle any more stupid, inane questions and annoyed at being unable to join in the make out session, Lyanna logged out.  She and her ship promptly disappeared leaving Stygus and Adoxia alone.  At which point they promptly began making out again.

A few hours later, Adoxia and Stygus skipped through the darkest depths of the jungle, 2V-R8 following as always, playing landspeeder sound effects and epic theme music.  When the jungle was at its deepest and darkest, they were surrounded by Cobalus, Crimsonus, Ceruleana and several others.

“Peace.” they all kept repeating over and over again.

“Who are you?” Adoxia asked?

“We are the Prismi who say PEACE!” Cobalus responded.

“Piece?” asked Adoxia in a sultry tone, glancing at Stygus.

“NO, PEACE!” snapped Cobalus.

“No, not the Prismi who say peace”, Adoxia dispaired, her Sithy ears burning at the sound of such a low XP concept.

“The same.” Cobalus replied.  “We are the keepers of the sacred words; peace, love and light!”

Adoxia gasped, glancing to Stygus.  “Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.”

Cobalus continued…  “We, the Prismi who say Peace… demand a sacrifice.”

“Prismi of Peace”, Adoxia whimpered, trying to get past that dreadful word.  “We are but simple travelers who seek the wizard who lives beyond these jungles”

Cobalus grew annoyed and his entire entourage began chanting “peace”  They continued until Adoxia and Stygus were cringing in fear and pain, then stopped.  “We will continue to say ‘peace’ to you if you do not appease us.” he said in an arrogant tone.

“W.. well what is it you want?” Adoxia asked fearfully.

“We want…” Cobalus said,  “…a MY LITTLE PONY!”

“A what?!?” asked Adoxia, dumbfounded by the request.

The group immediately began chanting ‘peace’ again, until Adoxia and Stygus were again on the ground writhing in pain at such an un-sithy concept.

“Please, please…” Adoxia gasped, “no more.”  “We will find you a My Little Pony.”

“You must return here with a My Little Pony,” Cobalus said, “or you will never pass thru here alive.”

“Oh Prismi of Peace”, Adoxia said, “You are just and fair.”  “We will return with a My Little Pony.”

“One that looks nice.” Cobalus demanded.

“Of course” replied Adoxia

“And not one of the expensive collector’s edition ones.” Cobalus said thoughtfully.  “I already have all of those…”   “Noooowww Go!” Cobalus demanded, pointing down the trail.

Back at the site of the GM’s beheading, Bioware management and cybercrime experts were examining the body…

Adoxia and Stygus skipped back to Dromund Kaas and went to market square, having some slim hope of possibly finding a My Little Pony there…  Adoxia approached an old woman in the market area.

“Old crone, ” Adoxia asked, “Is there anywhere in this market where we may find a My Little Pony?”

The old woman recoiled in horror.  “Who sent you?!?” she demanded.

“The Prismi who say Peace.” Adoxia said flatly.

The old woman gasped, and shook her head almost violently.  “NO, we have no ponies here.” she insisted.

“If you do not tell us where to find a My Little Pony, ” Adoxia said, “My boy toy and I shall be forced to say… ”  Adoxia choked on the vile word, taking a few moments to be able to get it out.  “We shall be forced to say… peace.”

The woman fell back against the wall behind her, gasping in pain at what such a concept would do to the in-game economy.  “Do your worst.” she snarled defiantly.

“Very well…” Adoxia roared angrily.  “If you shall not assist us voluntarily…”   Adoxia looked around, embarrassed to use such a horrible, un-sithy word…  “Peace!”, she snarled.

The old woman spasmed in pain.  “No, never!” she gasped.  “No Pony!”

“Peace.” Adoxia snarled, leaning in close to add emphasis to her words. 

“Pleats.” said Stygus joining in the attack

Adoxia turned to Stygus.  “No, no, that’s not quite right…”, she said in a professorial tone.  “It’s peeaaccee.”   Now you try it.

Stygus stumbled with the word for a few moments and finally got it. 

“That’s it, that’s it.” Adoxia said almost excitedly.  “You’ve got it.”

With the they both turned and launched a barrage of ‘peace’ at the old woman, who recoiled in horror and pain. 

A wandering merchant passed by, witnessing the exchange.  “Are you saying ‘peace’ to that old woman?” he demanded.

“We are.” Stygus answered defiantly.

“Oh what dark times are these when passing Sith can say ‘peace’ at will to old ladies.” the merchant lamented.  “There is a pestilence upon this land.”  “Nothing is sacred, not even the only way to earn XP.”  “Even those who collect and display My Little Ponies are under considerable economic distress at this point in History.”

“Did you say Ponies?” Adoxia asked.

“Yes, My Little Ponies are my trade.” the merchant replied.  “I am a Bronie.”  “My name is Tony the Bronie.”  “I collect, display and trade My Little Ponies.”

A short quick travel button press later, Adoxia and Stygus again stood before the mass of Cobalus’s Prismi.

“Prismi who say Peace,” Adoxia said trying again to sound regal, “We have brought you a My Little Pony.”  “May we go now?”

“It is a good pony…” Cobalus declared.  “I like the color particularly.”  “But there is one small problem…” he continued.

Adoxia rolled her eyes and waited for the other shoe to drop.  “What is that?” she asked impatiently.

“We are now no longer the Prismi who say peace.” Cobalus said.  “We are now… scientologists!”  “Therefore,” he continued, “we must give you a test, and a copy of Dianetics”

Adoxia again rolled her eyes and spoke; “What is this test, oh scientol…” Adoxia refused to finish the vile word.  “…oh cult formerly known as Prismi?”

“Firstly, you must find us… another pony!” Cobalus demanded in dramatic fashion.

“Not another damned My Little Pony…” Adoxia moaned.

“Then,” Cobalus continued, “you must place it here with the other one, only one shelf higher, so they’re both visible.”   The other former Prismi became quite excited at the idea and nodded joyfully.

“I’d sooner eat a pony steak.” Adoxia replied flippantly.

The Prismi all recoiled in horror, clutching their ears in shock.

“Don’t say that!” gasped Cobalus.

“Say what?” Adoxia asked.

“That horrible thing.” Cobalus said.  “It’s so vile I can’t possibly repeat it.”

Adoxia contemplated the situation briefly but was interrupted by the approach of Haheek, whose cantina band was still singing songs of his glorious flight from battle.

“My Empress, it’s good to see you.” Haheek said.  “I was delayed by a stop in a nearby cantina for a delicious pony steak.”

The prismi again recoiled in horror and covered their ears.  “Now he’s doing it!” Cobalus shrieked.

Lyanna, freshly logged back in, arrived on the scene and witnessed the exchange with ghoulish delight.  “Nothing, I love more than a good pony steak myself.” she said with a cruel grin. 

Cobalus and the Prismi howled in pain again.

“I loveit almost as much as my Akk Dog loves dog food with real pony in it.” Lyanna continued, cackling cruelly.  “They make such good glue too…”

With that Cobalus and the Prismi could take no more and fled into the Jungle, carrying their My Little Pony with them.

And THAT is as far as I got into this insanity… at least thus far, lol.