Yes, I’ve been away for a few days here, but trying to at least answer followed posts. I’ve been dealing with the fallout of yet another battle with my mother. I’ve tried for years to get along with her, and when she gave me her wedding (ring) set, I’d hoped we’d truly rounded a corner in a lifetime long shitty relationship.
This time around, it was over my spinal problems and how I’m supposedly not doing anything to contribute to the household here. I’ve shown the woman my first MRI report from years back, tried to explain it over and over for almost a decade, and she refuses to accept any of it. At best, I should just got get surgery because I have insurance. As if it’s that simple.
After dropping hints repeatedly, trying to explain the problem and it’s side effects, etc… I finally had enough after our last phone call. I snapped and sent her a fairly strongly worded email saying I was sick of it, and if she spent not even half the time she did researching my grandfather’s alzheimers, she’d know what I’ve been going through. Also that I was sick of her efforts to bully me and destroy my self respect.
Her response was that “maybe we shouldn’t talk anymore since she always seems to piss me off”. Typical emotional manipulation and playing the victim card. If she’d listened the countless other times I tried to explain it all, it never would have hit the point it did.
I shouldn’t be surprised. She reacts poorly to any criticism. I’ve cut her out of my life for years at a time on two previous occasions too. This is the woman who ripped into me verbally if I brought home a B and had my first step dad beat me for Cs while I was in school. When I went to college, I was supposed to take double a full time load and work full time at a “real” job. I got crucified for any little mistake to the point I went from a major extrovert in elementary school to an isolationist level introvert from about the fourth grade on.
Oh yes, and I was told I was too much of a wimp to go take martial arts so I could learn to defend myself from all the bullies that I attracted. Belts in 6 styles later (Shou Shu Chi, Tae Kwon Do, American Sport Karate, Parker Kenpo, Tracy Kenpo and Wing Chun), I guess she can kiss my ass on that one.
Never got any credit for it either after I’d achieved it.
At this point, I want to just tell her “Fine, kiss off!”.
All the self doubt she beat into me over the years always seems to factor into situations like this though. *I* should be doing more, I should do something different, word things better, be more understanding.
She’ll quickly point out this verbal abuse goes back generations also and blame her behavior on that. It’s as close as she comes to taking responsibility. Otherwise she just blames me for not tolerating it.
I’ve worked hard to grow the last few years. Longer than that really, but it’s been a snowball; slowly picking up momentum and mass. Every time I start to do better, she seems to want to throw a boulder into my calm pond. I’m at a breaking point here, or rather the relationship is.
So, yeah… When is enough enough? Because where I’m sitting right now:
Silk Chatters 
Struggle creates strength. I’m sorry you are dealing with and have dealt with such as this, but your words show inner strength and your accomplishments show it as well.
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Thank you. 🙂 I’ve tried to learn and grow beyond my family’s toxic nature (I only hit the surface here). She still manages to make me feel like a failure all the time though. Even just getting mad at her feels like I’m coming up short; that I should be beyond letting her manipulate me.
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That sounds terrible. You’re obviously not getting anything out this relationship but stress. You don’t need that. My mother was an abusive narcissist, I found once I managed to cut her out of my life I felt a lot better about myself and was able to gain confidence in my self for the first time. It can be a harsh thing to do, but it should help your peace of mind.
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I’ve done it twice before actually. Once for nearly 20 years, and the second time for 4 or 5 years. Guilt, self-doubt and her seeming to change brought me back both times. Dr Laura had this analogy that she liked to throw at callers who complained in situations like this though; “Don’t pet a crocodile and expect it to turn into a lap dog. You’re only going to get bit”.
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Oh, how this post resonates!
Sometimes, the only thing you can do with toxic people is remove them from your life, but how do you do that with a parent? (Rhetorical question: been there, done that.) It took me many, many years to get to the point where my mother can no longer hurt me. I’ve accepted the fact that nothing I do will ever be good enough in her eyes, and I will never be completely worthy, but I no longer care. It just is. Interestingly, as I call her on her abusive behaviour and refuse to let her do it, we have a better relationship now than we ever have. In fact, she actually seems to be catching herself and improving her own behaviour at times. Maybe that fact that we have a mutual abuser we are defending each other against makes part of the difference.
You have every right to say “enough”!
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All too true. Seems like from your own posts that your mother is or has been till very recently still taking pot shots here and there. That’s where I’ve been with my mother for a decade after the toxicity was much worse. I don’t mind her picking on my diet as one example, partially because I know she’s right and I am working on doing better there.
The back though… It’s a major sore spot for me (pun intended, heh). I’ve dealt with physical pain for decades. It had it’s ups and downs also where I’d go through brief periods where I felt like I was getting better. As soon as I pushed myself more though, back to square one. Honestly, that’s even worse, because it makes you feel like the problem is you, and not a physical issue… That you’re not just useless but choosing to be useless. TO have her come along and continually make snide remarks and ask me when I’m going back to work, even after showing her all the evidence… Yeah it hurt.
Enough truly is enough though. Time for things to change.
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