That Other Complaint

I’ve already made a few posts today.  I did say I was going to talk about that other recent Twitter notification that bothered me though.

It was one going around the erotica authors’ circle on Twitter.  It was all about how women were supposedly educating men about what horrible erotica authors they are and laughing at their “stupid” mistakes.  Not the first time I’ve seen such a post either.  During my few months on twitter, I found the erotica authors to be pretty judgmental and negative in general.  The key words there are “IN GENERAL”.  There are some wonderful, supportive and talented women (and men) there also.  I adore Ava Sterling and Aurora Blue in particular.  They’ve been helpful since the beginning.

OK, getting back to the subject, let’s be real.  There are quite a few bad male erotica authors out there.  What the ladies are NOT understanding though is that their way or view is NOT the only way.  I had a blog post about this in the past.  There was an article in The Atlantic magazine how authors had to write consent in romance novels.  The idea being essentially that if you didn’t have written and signed consent at every step of the way, you were writing and advocating rape.  Here’s that blog post:

A Minor Rant

My comments there are enough said.  Another example I saw in the past was a snarky agreement among some that if bra or genital sizes were mentioned, they immediately stopped reading and the story was trash.  “What did they do, take out a measuring tape at that point?” was one reply.   What they were missing is that some people, particularly if they”re in fields that require regular measuring and sizing such as seamstresses and tailors, clothing sales people, construction and automotive workers, and even people that do crafty type things as hobbies, tend to be able to measure very accurately by eyesight.  It’s not unrealistic at all.  Overall, I’d agree that general size descriptors and leaving things to imagination is probably a little better though.

So where do I think the issues are being seen all wrong?  The ladies are missing a chance to grow their audience.  Men DO buy and read erotica also.  I get email from men and women both on my writing.

Saying “women don’t stand in front of mirrors and compare their boobs to fruit” misses the reality that men tend to be highly visual creatures and competition / comparison driven.  They care about things like are a female character’s boobs “pear shaped” or perfectly round and firm *cough*fakeboobs*cough* (lol).  They want to know who’s boobs are bigger and by how much also.  When you understand the male mindset, you can tailor your writing just a little so that you appeal more to them as well.  Bang, your sales go up.

The whole idea of “teaching” men by belittling them is only going to backfire also.  For all their bravado, men have fragile egos, especially where women are concerned.  They’re also trained to suppress emotion early on, so they’re rarely all that intuitive, BUT they also are eager to please.

So here’s a tip, girls, both as authors and for relationships.  All you’ve got to do to get a decent guy to do what you want is ask nicely or gently suggest.  In the case of writing erotica, give them better, more natural ways to help relay visual information.  Explain to them that the act isn’t about rutting either when you’re a woman.  It’s about intimacy, emotional connection, and a primal need to feel desired, like that male character would sacrifice anything to have our heroine.  When an erotica author can impart all of those male and female perspective elements into a story, I think the sky is the limit.

Again, same holds true with relationships.  Too many women complain about men being clueless, and expect them to know exactly how to touch them, what to say to them, etc…  It takes communication.  Positive communication too.  “A little gentler (or rougher), oh yes!”, goes much farther with the typical clueless male than “not like that, you selfish idiot.”

A certain radio show host on relationships had it right; women have all the power in relationships (at least non-abusive ones).  It just has to be used in the right way.

9 thoughts on “That Other Complaint

  1. Scherezade Ozwulo

    I’ve noticed that with some erotica I’ve read where it’s a constant implication of consent, especially in the BDSM stories. But it makes sense to show that each participant is willing. Some stories it’s like an actual consent conversation had before the juicy stuff.

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    1. Silk Cords Post author

      Implication of consent I agree should be there. If you look at my non-fan fic erotica, it all has a hint of BDSM to it, but I try to make it clear that it’s consensual. That Atlantic story and the mindset of a few authors is LITERALLY that there has to be written consent on everything or at least that the guy has to stop and specifically ask permission to go a step further each time.

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  2. theshopahistoryofthejosephkavanaghco

    Interesting post. A genre I am not familar with but I know the basics. I think anytime a writer assumes that gender, race, religion or any of those sort of elements of another writer disqualify them from writing a good story, they do a disservice to the genre. Maybe the story won’t be as good but you know what? Some books are better than others. I like fantasy. I love Tolkien’s work & have found no other fantasy writer as good as he was. Do I not read anymore? No. I just read & they just aren’t as good. I still like reading them. Criticism based on gender, race, religion etc. are questionable at best. As far as your take on relationships, I don’t know what you mean by power in the relationship. I’ve been married for 23 years & there’s no “power dynamic”. We live our life together & if anything we share the power. Just my opinion. Again, this is a genre I know little about so my opinion should be taken as such. I did say I’ve been married for 23 years. What could I know about sex. 😁

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    1. Silk Cords Post author

      The power comment was doubtless a little too generalized as I rushed to finish and get out the door to run errands. What I meant was (IN GENERAL) that women have more ability to influence the man than the other way around. Men will respond to sweet talk and kindness. Once the average woman has made up her mind though, good luck. 😀

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